I felt alive

*This post is not intended for everyone. If you're a worrier, go here .



I came up to the access ramp but saw brake lights on the highway and decided, "Rather than dealing with traffic, I'll go straight. It's the next exit anyway."
Fifty-five miles per hour on the motorcycle, I should have slowed down for the busy intersection regulated only by stop signs. I let off the throttle slightly for the train tracks. A car slowed to turn right. I stayed straight in the left lane. A car waited on my left. The 4x4 bright red Ford pickup didn't see me.
Dropped the gas -
Grabbed the clutch -
Pulled the break -
Fish tailed around his bumper -
Over-corrected -
Tumbled, motorcycle on top, and slid to a stop.

"Wow. It happened. I've fallen." Adrenaline rushed through me. I squeezed my leg out from under the bike. Traffic stopped, but I didn't notice anyone but a guy who pulled over and got out to check on me. I gave him an "OK" sign and started to lift the motorcycle. "No no, just wait," he told me, then grabbed the handle bars and lifted it up. The red pickup parked and the driver came over to help. The brake was jammed, so three of us had to pull or push on the bike to get it off the road, out of the puddle of spilt gasoline. Hoyt, the driver of the Ford, was noticeably shaken. I removed my helmet. I told him and the other man, and a third who came over, that I was fine. "No worries," I said. Hoyt disagreed. "Yes, worries. I can't believe that. Are you okay?" I assured him and the other men. Hoyt and I talked slowly about what happened, checked to make sure the motorcycle was fine. As I thought it, Hoyt said, "It's nice to meet you. Not in these circumstances, though!" We laughed and agreed. He gave me his number in case anything was wrong with me or the bike, then he watched me drive away, just to make sure.

Organics

i believe that in attempts to stay as clean as possible
sterilized
we rid ourselves of the ability to cope with bacteria.
 therefore, i wash my hands every time i go to the bathroom,
 bathe occasionally, and reuse dishes.
i could eat raw chicken and come out with a bellyache
i don't often buy organic for two reasons:
 1) if it's in an organic specialty store,
     it's meant for those with money.
 2) if it's in a grocery store,
     standards have been lowered to allow
    long-standing companies of Whatever's Cheapest
       into the market.
This lowering standards is also why now I am confused when shopping for peanut butter,
  deciphering for myself the difference between Organic and Natural. This is a great
game. Jokes on us.

I think the fellas with the syringe mixed formulas
 when they made this red apple that tastes like a Granny Smith.

My sliced tomatoes look like open wounds and the leaves of
Spring Mix
in January
are a bit under the weather.
But, they say it's organic.

Race, Revisited

In the spirit of NewSouth Books, who removed the words 'Nigger' and 'Injun' from Mark Twain's Huck Finn, here's a short story

The cat that led the other behind the bushes
fifty three minutes later
lays in the cool dewy grass and looks up for cars
and relaxes as the black school boy walks home,
passing him.
A scruffy white guy cuts glances at the school boy as they start to pass each other on the sidewalk.
They look at each other quickly. Scruff gives a nervous nod, thinking, 'I'd do it if he was white,' and looks away.
Jack, carrying the book bag, looks away, thinking, 'He thinks I'm black.'

 

Dry Pinto Beans

Four days ago I set out to make dry beans.
I washed them, rinsed them, and soaked them over night. The following afternoon, I loaded my beans into a crock pot, added garlic, chili powder, pepper, and salt, and turned them on high.
I never made dry beans before.
They were ready by 4:30 in the morning. Then, I was ready to sleep.
I woke up the next day and had them for lunch.  I added onion, chilis, and cauliflower,
then ate them again for dinner.
The next day, I ate them again. That evening I added tomatoes,
and ate them again.
Now by this time, you might say, "Brian, aren't you tired of beans yet?"
And I might say, "Naw."
You just keep adding stuff to them.
For example, the beans are so soft they could be dip. So I've added cheese, salsa
and some chips.
Now I got myself a Frito Pie!
But they're nearly finished now.

Jane Again

There ain't many nights like this
when I've been betrayed by my closest misses
I'm sittin' alone beneath this black sky.
Sittin' alone 'neath this black sky.
Unfortunately this ain't the first
time I felt like this and she's to  blame.

Last night we spent together,
but tonight there's been a drastic change in weather!
Yesterday was sunny but tonight my eyes are rainin'.
My eyes were beamin' yesterday but now
they're just rainin'.
Well yesterday I said,
She's with me!
but now I'm just rainy
and she's to blame!

This ain't no kinda Texas storm
that leaves you in awe and beggin' for more!
She tore down my house and now I ain't got nothin'.
She took everything I had now boy ain't that somethin'!
Now I'm in debt and I'm wet and I'm outta cigarettes
got nothin' but Jack and regrets!
and she's to blame.

Friends let me tell you what I'll do.
I'm gonna find me a girl,
or maybe TWO!
and swap 'em around
and just play games.

Aw Hell. I just ain't that way.

Just gotta find me a girl to hold my hand
let me be her ONLY man
and her name ain't Jane!

Now I ain't picky, she's just gotta be kind,
pretty and smart, knows a good time,
likes art, music, poetry too,
knows a good conversation or when silence will do;
likes to take a walk or sit and touch
play Nintendo together, or cook lunch,
she lays awake, she keeps me sane!
She kisses my forehead and
her name ain't
JANE!

Welcome

Listen to the song on youtube

hey ya
 hey ya
haahh

hah
hee
hee, hi-lee how

do you do?

say,
can you say
what's the weather out today?
 is it right for a kite?

see i see why he
with dirt on his knees
 is bowing
and i see why she
 keeps busy with doubting
but if three's a crowd and no room for four
then i don't wanna be there no more.

My New Song

Music at .. . here

Riverside

jumpin jumpin jumpin  in the bathtub!
given given given me  a scrub down
cutting cutting cutting hairs from my chin
snip snip snip and part my hair on the side

set me up,  with a soft tie
take me out, riverside
put me down, into the cool flow
and baptize me and let my spirit roam

wash me out, clean my insides
bring me back, i'll walk by your side
sit me down, i may not do as i'm told
but this i swear, i'll look good wherever i go

Nondualism

The blog I link here has taken one of my past stories and used it for itself. This discovery, a year after the fact, brings me to revisit the time of when I posted my original story (at the beginning of 2010 for a review of 2009), the experience that led to the story (a day spent with dear friend and co-conspirator Ryan Hochstatter), and my feelings regarding Nondualism in general, which follow.

According to Jerry Katz, writer of Nonduality Blog, "Nonduality means 'not two' or 'nonseparation.'" This idea says that while everything is individually its own, everything is simultaneously linked, connected.
I believe this can be described several ways. For example, the Bhaghavad-gita quotes Krishna to say "All paths of worship lead to God." Therefore, Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Buddhist, so forth, it matters not to whom one worships, but that one worships, and by this, we are connected like spokes on a wheel leading to the central point. We are all connected by the theme of what I call "that which is beyond us" (what others call God, Allah, Yahweh...), which we celebrate.
Another view of this idea of Nonduality is a universal energy that connects everyone. While we each have our own energy of emotions, we are connected in that others share these emotions and, whereas each has his own reason and circumstances for feeling, we have all felt sadness, joy, anger, fear, and are therefore one great body. This is a basic explanation, I realize, as nondualism connects us to all things, not only people. Perhaps it is better to say that while we are individuals, we are not remote. We are, when aware, part of the whole, humanity, animals, plants, water, sky, deeper and beyond.
Nonduality: a never-ending existence that depends on each of it's innumerable parts. Everything in existence is a linchpin.

For a long while I have believed that things are not segregated as religions and leaders might have us believe. This is what saddens me when I hear of conflict in political, religious, social, environmental, domestic, and other facets of life. This conflict comes from overlooking the connection we share with one another and all.
I am reminded of something I heard on the Colbert Report: "If we lose all our bananas, in office break rooms, what will we reach past to get to the Doritos?"
Nondualism is the bananas so many pass the opportunity to savor, thereby submitting to conflict.
Then again, according to nondualism, conflict exists with, or because of, stillness or peace. That without one the other cannot exist. Long cannot exist without short, light cannot exist without shadow. Like colors on a color wheel, when colors are opposites, they are complimentary. In fact, this is the exact reason I am in love with colors. They illustrate the idea of coexistence by conflict, which is harmony.

Where does this bring me? To the extent that I believe in nonduality, we all exist so that we may not exist. We are connected universally with the atoms of each others bodies and the atoms in and beyond the far reaches of our known universe. Existence is a fractal, never ending, which therefore never begins. And within this are we.
How do we reconcile the differences between us? Acknowledge they exist and acknowledge they are few. We are each other.

six.

 the devil tried to use me for evil.

thoughts scared me to pass the opportunity; constant fear that god may not approve.
i fought, then ran to Bible. i thought maria would be glad to know how her man solves problems.
she came to my room.
i sat alone after the scolding.


 'get by' is fine.

cable television, internet flash ads - buy something.
see it and see it again, then again. well goddamn.
this continues for a while.


 indecision. travel stories. uncertainty.

lack of confidence increases with indecisiveness
and is fed by peers who know what they want.
so what's next? what are your plans?
i plan for amazing
and people will want to be part of it.


 success is not a fear of assurances.

you do nothing. you've nothing to fear.


 step on the cracks, break mama's back.

maria, forgive me.
i can no longer watch my feet.
pray for me.
look here. and there. you will see something.


 empty empty promises empty goals empty attempts

stagnant sitting, stagnant motion because
the mind does not itself turn over ideas;
the heart does not burn, instead wheezes;
the lungs are made of papier-mâché and crinkle as they heave.


 out of it.

the palm reader knows your fate.
hook one bracelet on a nail.
now the other.
don't think about your deeply crevaced palm.
a feather sticks through your ribs.
left foot out.
then the right foot.